My love, forever

My hubby had passed away on 29 June, the 3rd day we brought him home.

As his BP had continued to drop, doctor advised that he left days, a few more. 

He texted his buddies and told them to buy his Favourite beer. We had a great evening with great toast, my hubby smiled lots despite his drowsiness.

He then had massive bleeding again. 

I had a heavy talk with the families. I decided to bring him home. I am ready to watch him go. 

Strange that the day we discharged him, he bleeding stopped. When our ambulance made its way to the expressway that we were so familiar to, my hubby was excited. He could barely talk but I could feel his happiness.

The first two days was intense as there were only my helper and myself to look after him and we had to watch for each other. 

My hubby had little agitation and the medication we used were at minimum accordingly to our home care nurse.

I then engaged private nurse for the second night as I think I was a little bit near to collapse of tiredness.

My hubby could response to my son’s and his mum calling with lots of joys. He basically responded when he heard my voice. He had really mastered all his strength in telling me how much he loved me. I could felt him from the inside.

29 June was my son’s primary school open house, just when I was about to go out. My helper called. Prior to this, I was so glad to have call upon some volunteer Buddhist prayer friends who came for chanting to my hubby. They will normally bring all necessary stuff for free. I felt at ease with their around. They guided us for things to do like stopped to touch and talk to my hubby as he will not “go” at ease. They advise me to letting him off for relief and his way to Buddha. 

I rushed in to the room. We were all chanting while watching my hubby’s breathing pattern changed and very slowly, we watched that his breathing stopped, in just another few mins time. 

We knew the time had arrived. According to Buddhist ritual, we had to chant for 8-12hours without touching the body. Although my in law had being naive telling that his death must be verify by doctor, for the certification. I was strongly against it and pursued for 8hours chant then verified by doctor. 

So during this 8hours, we chanted continuously. I informed my hubby’s buddies and whoever that concerned. I need to handle lots of stuff. We did not cry or talk in the room but just chanting.

After 8hours, I could see that my hubby’s eyes had slowly shut and his mouth too. I should have chant for longer hours. Doc came and he pulled out his PICC line which was clean. My helper who witnessed lots deceased patients had amazed by the ritual we did for my hubby. She said normally patient will have secretion from eye, mouth and ears that they will insert some cotton. The body will emit awful smell and those pull out tubing will bleed. But none of this happened to my hubby, instead his body still felt soft. 

Deep in my heart, I had a great relief to see my hubby passing in a way like the elderly. He did not has any great pain or screaming prior to these. His passing was the one I had imagined and hoped so much for. Thanks Buddha. 

We had 3days Buddhist plus vegetarian funeral. I had sleepless nights. Not because of sadness but thinking what to do next. 

Another day we went to my hubby cremation procedure. It was sad to see the bones was blackened by the disease but there are some in pick which indicates heathy bones. Suddenly I saw something on the ashes that I did not see in previous cremation of my hubby’s grand mum. The person said it is 舍利花, Buddhist relic which only high respectable monk will possess it in their ashes. It is a great honor to having it which implies that you are a great Buddhist. My sis who has been helping us in Buddhist way, almost burst into tears when knowing it. Because we believe people who has the relic, will most likely go Buddha’s way already. 

I had my greatest relief ever.

I am confident that my hubby has passed in peace even in his afterlife. He came to this life was to honor his promises made during last life that he would bear all suffering from the families by his own and he had relieved from the promises.

I am proud of him. So much.

My kids are good and they chant lots for daddy too.

We have catching up life quite a little bit. I am clearing my house for rent. I have Friends cum ex colleagues who would be great company to me for future. 

Friends who are still fighting out there, do not be afraid for the days. As if you truly live up Everyday, you will welcome the day where you are at most relieved.

Your body, your soul and your mind. 

I am still with you guys. 

Cheers!

Vulnerability

From the start of my hubby cancer fighting day, our emotions has been roller-coastering for ups n down and  good & bad one. And the grey one too.

A moment I felt hope and cheer, the next moment I collapsed with sorrow, negativity like losing him and facing death.

For the past 2mths, I buried myself with non stop activities for juicing, herbs brewing, cooking, housework and reading (books & online).

We shared our fear, our hope, our future, our kids and our families. In tears, many times. We love each other very much. I had no idea why we fallen into this situation.

Vulnerability, that I read from a 10years survivor with stage 4 appendix cancer, cancer has made us vulnerable.. Even in her 10years NED, she is leading a normal and fulfilling life, and yet she feels the vulnerability at times.

Vulnerability – I think it is a reminder to us, to live our life to the fullest. No regrets, and cherish our every moment.

We will be meeting our oncologist Apr 13, for the follow up and blood test. We prayed to Buddha and hope a smooth progress. We want to discuss with her for the stoma reversal procedure.

I have been visualized the CEA dropped to 2.0, CA19-9 at 20 and CA125 at 7-8. No need scan, haha! Who knows? Let’s see.