After Death

Sorry if the title is stressing to anyone of you.

But let me tell you the truth after your love ones death.

We had been thankful for the death of my hubby is due to cancer which had giving us enough of time to sort of “settle” things after his death. We are indeed very lucky compared to those who passed in sudden. 

My hubby used to think that he will have a short life. Why he did think so I do not know. He bought enough insurance couverage for his death as he always tell me. 

Who knows. He forgot the most important stuff which is the nomination or a valid will. He wrote a simple will but it lacked of 2witness’s signature. 

Then I am in lots of work to handle about the estate and legal stuff which requires a lawyer and money. There are documentations that contradicts for lawyer to go first or I need to get prepare for lawyer. I need the letter of Probate. We have 2young children made the claim more sophisticated which I will need a co-administrator and 2guarantors. 

Then I realised that he has different stock and trading platforms. I called to each of them and it seemed like they need to sell of the shares and then return the fund to the securities account. Then the securities account had to transfer to a new Estate account for where I could then claim for. It is a must for deceased client to open this Estate Account legally. 

So my in law asked why my hubby has never closed the account before his death? What a most funny question! Who will bother such a thing when approaching death? Who will know when we will just die? Haha!

Indeed we never thought monetary issue could be so bothersome. 

So what’s next? I need to set up will too. As I am declared as widow now. For the protection of my kids, I need to entrust a trustee to guard on my assets for them in case I went off to meet my hubby earlier?! 

These are the stuff that got me read out lots. 

Actually I am more busy for other things. I packed all my hubby clothings and shoes for donation, I helped him to donate his funeral fund as per his last wish. I cleaned and reorganized my house. There are still lots to do but it is progressing. 

My hubby has left lots of personal things like his name card with photo since primary school, his Favourite photo, the letters I wrote to him, his Favourite oldies phone which I am now placing on our study table for my kids to make call to him (spiritually we are still talking to him)… truly sentimental and I feel the sadness deeply but somehow I need it still so I could feel that he is still around. 

We miss him everyday and every min, every second.. 

I did not dream of him much and I feel that he has really off to Buddha. Chinese believes that his spirit will continue to stay with us for 49days. But I really did not feel him, neither the baby has seen him. Old people think that the younger kids can see spirit.

I started to print out his photo since young to now. I wish to do a memory album for him. I looked back to his photos. I realised that his life had gotten colourful ever since he had me. I would say fantastic life for both of us. I gave him the best of me and the two wonderful kids. Deep in my heart, I think I have no regrets towards my hubby. We both have great moment together and he passed during the most beautiful moment of life, which is blessedly great one. 

I whispered during night for how I miss him. I begged for him to come to my dreams. 

The days now are more challenging than the days he had just passed. 

I started to read on Buddha study. I felt more relieved when knowing that life has 8kinds of hardship/suffering that will make people strong and steady so you will grow and learn from life. 

It is really hard to tell people or for people to accept that everyone has to go through these. It is a sure thing that will happen in life. So why be sad on it? Treat it with a steady heart. I chant and I feel more calm. 

So I start to read books about fatherless Son. I need to work out family Budget stuff but I am thankful that I do not need to struggle for financial stuff. Thanks dear.

Life goes on. Stay cheer, my friends.


My love, forever

My hubby had passed away on 29 June, the 3rd day we brought him home.

As his BP had continued to drop, doctor advised that he left days, a few more. 

He texted his buddies and told them to buy his Favourite beer. We had a great evening with great toast, my hubby smiled lots despite his drowsiness.

He then had massive bleeding again. 

I had a heavy talk with the families. I decided to bring him home. I am ready to watch him go. 

Strange that the day we discharged him, he bleeding stopped. When our ambulance made its way to the expressway that we were so familiar to, my hubby was excited. He could barely talk but I could feel his happiness.

The first two days was intense as there were only my helper and myself to look after him and we had to watch for each other. 

My hubby had little agitation and the medication we used were at minimum accordingly to our home care nurse.

I then engaged private nurse for the second night as I think I was a little bit near to collapse of tiredness.

My hubby could response to my son’s and his mum calling with lots of joys. He basically responded when he heard my voice. He had really mastered all his strength in telling me how much he loved me. I could felt him from the inside.

29 June was my son’s primary school open house, just when I was about to go out. My helper called. Prior to this, I was so glad to have call upon some volunteer Buddhist prayer friends who came for chanting to my hubby. They will normally bring all necessary stuff for free. I felt at ease with their around. They guided us for things to do like stopped to touch and talk to my hubby as he will not “go” at ease. They advise me to letting him off for relief and his way to Buddha. 

I rushed in to the room. We were all chanting while watching my hubby’s breathing pattern changed and very slowly, we watched that his breathing stopped, in just another few mins time. 

We knew the time had arrived. According to Buddhist ritual, we had to chant for 8-12hours without touching the body. Although my in law had being naive telling that his death must be verify by doctor, for the certification. I was strongly against it and pursued for 8hours chant then verified by doctor. 

So during this 8hours, we chanted continuously. I informed my hubby’s buddies and whoever that concerned. I need to handle lots of stuff. We did not cry or talk in the room but just chanting.

After 8hours, I could see that my hubby’s eyes had slowly shut and his mouth too. I should have chant for longer hours. Doc came and he pulled out his PICC line which was clean. My helper who witnessed lots deceased patients had amazed by the ritual we did for my hubby. She said normally patient will have secretion from eye, mouth and ears that they will insert some cotton. The body will emit awful smell and those pull out tubing will bleed. But none of this happened to my hubby, instead his body still felt soft. 

Deep in my heart, I had a great relief to see my hubby passing in a way like the elderly. He did not has any great pain or screaming prior to these. His passing was the one I had imagined and hoped so much for. Thanks Buddha. 

We had 3days Buddhist plus vegetarian funeral. I had sleepless nights. Not because of sadness but thinking what to do next. 

Another day we went to my hubby cremation procedure. It was sad to see the bones was blackened by the disease but there are some in pick which indicates heathy bones. Suddenly I saw something on the ashes that I did not see in previous cremation of my hubby’s grand mum. The person said it is 舍利花, Buddhist relic which only high respectable monk will possess it in their ashes. It is a great honor to having it which implies that you are a great Buddhist. My sis who has been helping us in Buddhist way, almost burst into tears when knowing it. Because we believe people who has the relic, will most likely go Buddha’s way already. 

I had my greatest relief ever.

I am confident that my hubby has passed in peace even in his afterlife. He came to this life was to honor his promises made during last life that he would bear all suffering from the families by his own and he had relieved from the promises.

I am proud of him. So much.

My kids are good and they chant lots for daddy too.

We have catching up life quite a little bit. I am clearing my house for rent. I have Friends cum ex colleagues who would be great company to me for future. 

Friends who are still fighting out there, do not be afraid for the days. As if you truly live up Everyday, you will welcome the day where you are at most relieved.

Your body, your soul and your mind. 

I am still with you guys.