Be my Hero

That day both of us had weaken somehow..

I could not sleep..

I sent him an email tag with a link of Mariah Carey’s song – Hero.

The lyrics are as follows…

“There’s a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don’t have to be afraid
Of what you are
There’s an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It’s a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don’t let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You’ll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
That a hero lies in you
That a hero lies in you”

I wrote on that email’s subject, short and clear.

Pls be my Hero, stay strong…

I forgot to add this..

I love you very much.. Being able to marrying you had always been my greatest happiness.. You are my best chosen man!

Dear.. Be my Hero..

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The thought of “why me?!!” Cancer!!??

To many patients that diagnosed with cancer will definitely think of why they developed cancer and cancer is a type of horoscope not disease!! Ha, joking! (dry one)

Moving forward, they will start to find the cause of cancer. Diet, stress, radical, family history, karma or whatever scientifically proven reason.

I did all the searching and reading to find out why too. After numerous reading, I felt extremely tired. It says diet, but how to explain those healthy chubby one? I seem many of them. Well they might develop diabetes, heart disease but not cancer. It says stress, I read many of them who stress until mentally breakdown but they don’t have cancer!

They says environment, we are under one roof. Many more die with other reason without cancer.

They says family history, we read there are not many cases that inherited. Depending types of cancer and there are certain percentage.

Some say karma. That’s truly cruel that many Buddhist believed. I am Buddhist and I am, believe it sometimes.

There are many reasons contributing the developing of cancer in our body. I myself think that could it be one’s character?

My sis was a nose cancer at stage II who survived for over 10 years, she sent us a link to read on 塞斯 Seth Material from a Taiwanese doctor who helped some cancer patients. You may find the link below.

http://www.sethtv.org.tw/

From what we explored in brief, Seth Material is a philosophy that emphasized on restoration the physical, mental and spiritual balance. It says cancer is caused by inner imbalance and conflict. You create the cancer!! Why? Because you think of something that you want it/do it so badly but due to many reason you failed, and cancer is being triggered to give you a push.

After listening to some of the talks, my hubby was enlightened for the problem in his inner self. He has NO freedom.

He has been a filial son, worthy husband and caring daddy. He always followed his parent’s guidelines regardless of how he truly wanted. He always prioritize parent, brother and my opinions. He totally neglected what his heart truly wants. In any event of argument, he will be the one that give in, say sorry and say OK. But he is not OK, all the time perhaps. He tried to think from good perspective. My wife loves me and wanted me to do better, my parent care a lot for me, I must not offence them. Everyone can raise their voice to him or criticise him , he is the one who apologize. He has no freedom to be in charged of his own life neither to decide for something accordingly to his wish.  He blamed himself from day to day. He dare not to speak out his mind, he doesn’t want to destroy the harmony. The harmony in his interpretation is no argument.

At the end, everyone is happy he is not. Everyone is healthy, he got sick in his inner self. Long enough, until the sickness caused him cancer. Perhaps??!! Of course, he lost his freedom long ago without his knowing… Why said so? In his heart, he has always wanted to go soccer, he wanted to go a couple vacation, he wanted to go England to watch a Man U game, he wanted to just Patato couching at home.. But he has do nothing at all because it seemed impossible for now with 2 young kids. He too put a lot of stress to himself sometimes being sandwiched in between kids, parents & me. He couldn’t have a proper dinner sometimes. I felt very guilty. For not loving him enough. For many things.

I told him about my family’s harmony. I have 6 other siblings with all sorts of conflict, argument, quarrel and nonsense in between us including our parent. But we know what lies behind the disagreement/argument, we all meant good to each other. But we won’t have hard feelings towards each other. We love & enjoy gathering and gossiping about each other. We can speak out freely (mainly craps) in front of each other, be ourselves and that’s true harmony in my opinion. Being filial is not being obedient, being filial is taking good care of yourself and live happily. We don’t call our parent in every single day but as long as they know that each of us is working hard and playing hard too. Same goes to my parent, they get to relax at casino sometimes… Erm.. (bad example) Haha, as long as they stay active, let them be.

I guess 家家有本难念的经 best described the situation.

However, my sis had guided him that he should blame no one in this situation. He should speak up and follow his heart. Communication is what he needs to learn and also accept other’s negativity. Just take it easy and look from other perspective. Do not be emotionally affected for other’s negativity. If you were angry with yourself, talk to the person and let them know what you want. People who care for you will understand it eventually.

I am glad that at least he got someone to confide in.

He probably has not talked that much with any of my family members ever. Life, it is.

Initially knowing my hubby got cancer, I know that cancer came to change our life to a better one. I chose to believe it and stay positive. Cancer, is our friend who came into our life to tell us to stop, to take a rest, to think about our life, to let us redefine our responsibility towards ourselves, to start to dream again, to enrich our life again, to give us a 2nd chance, to refresh,…

Cancer is one of us. We will not find ways to kill it. We will live with it. Cancer is like a commander, if you try to ill treat yourself, it will punish you. It is a reminder, to guard you from leading a better, healthier & happier life.

Well, even we were to die with cancer. I will choose to be thankful. Because it is far more blessed than dying from a deadly car crash, flight crash or bombing that dying without saying goodbye, without kissing at the forehead and hug for the last warmth.

Let’s move on.

Diagnosis of cancer & Surgery

Appendix cancer has various type. Pls Google or Wikipedia.

My hubby’s cancer is termed as Metastatic Appendiceal Mucinous Carcinoma, so hard to remember and pronounce.

So his medical report stated that he underwent cytoreductive surgery, right hemicolectomy, anterior resection, resection of right pelvic mass enbloc with right ureter, trigone of bladder and right seminal vesicle, bladder repair and bilateral ureteric reimplanation.

He had HIPEC with Mitomycin dose 23mg, temp 40 deg C for 60mins. He had a stoma bag, chest tubes and 4 drains with the PCN when admitted to the ICU.

At ICU, he had oxygen supply, NG tube to drain the acid and a stoma bag (ileostomy), PCA morphine for pain management and TPN for the nutrition. Of course, antibiotic & other IV drug to prevent infection.

He was swollen with the fluid that given to ease the dehydration and he could not talk much during the first few days.

He then slowly recovered with the drain taking off one by one, NG tube at POD (post operation day) 22. God, it really took us sometimes. He was finally allowed to feed with soft diet on POD 23. YEAH!!!!

He was discharged stable and well on POD 26. We could at least celebrate Chinese New Year!! Year of Monkey, I will remember it for the rest of my life.

Pre operation – CEA tumour marker : 16.90

Pre operation – CA125 : 109

Pre operation – CA19-9 : 255

Aft operation – CEA : 5.40

Aft operation – CA125 : 20.10

Aft operation – CA19-9 : 75

Phew!!!!!

And not forgetting.. the scar of 27cm long!!!!! The legendary “centipede”…

Blog from Cancer Survivors

As Google “kaki”, we read blogs from Cancer patients / survivors (they were once as survivor).

1) Shin who diagnosed with advanced Breast cancer

http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.sg/

2) ML who diagnosed with Breast cancer

http://cancersurvivorsperspective.blogspot.sg/

3) Chris who survived from colon cancer Stage III without chemotherapy. It has been 12years ago.

http://www.chrisbeatcancer.com/

4) Jessica who diagnosed as stage 4 appendix cancer.

https://turnonthelightdotcom.wordpress.com/

5) Appendix cancer survivors support community

http://www.pseudomyxomasurvivor.org/

More to read…

I read the blog with lots of hope at the beginning. The more I read, the more despair I was for how they suffered through the treatment. It really sadden us sometimes and we cried for the patient.

I started to think whether we should start blogging.

But ultimately if our findings and ways of treatment would be someone’s reference or guidance, it will be wonderful if we had helped someone.

But I apologized for my “limited” English. I try to make my post a more straight forward one.

Enjoy reading!