The gone love 

Somehow I feel that I am not very stable emotionally after my hubby’s death.

I kept myself busy in lots of planning, reading and working out (soon, ha!). 

But I know I have something amiss, in my heart. The part in my life that I think it’s the love from him. He doted me lots and I felt I like a princess in front of him. And this person who treated me as princess had gone! I hate to know and realised from this. 

In Buddhist, this is the love that called selfish love (small love) which will bring suffering eventually.

My Sister kept talking about finding another one. Well I got very frustrated every time she mentioned it. 

She won’t understand the fear of losing someone you loved or love you, again!

The love, eases you from this pain but eventually bringing you another one. 

My hubby is my first committed relationship and I hope it will be last. My Sisters were joking among themselves that I found one only at age of 28, I might got another one at 58?!! 

So I met my master again for my house renovation’s fengshui and my next year plan. He advised that I take 6months of break and go sign up for volunteer works!

He enlightened me so much!!!

I was struggled with this selfish love, I should grow my unconditional love (big love) towards the needs!

I quickly signed up and got me enrolled in some Counselling based voluntary work. But I need to get interview first by end Sept.

I feel I am so much recharged again.

Then I plan financially to cope and manage the fund my hubby left. Also continue my house improvement for my ex colleague to move in by end Oct. She is single who at her 40’s and she might be the one I stick to most. 

Love from other man, I think there are lots of them waiting to shower me for. Am I thinking too much?! Ha! But deep in my heart, I am dreadful of it and I have no idea of why.

Dear, I still wish to say, love you and miss you much. 

Friends, let’s stay love. 

After Death

Sorry if the title is stressing to anyone of you.

But let me tell you the truth after your love ones death.

We had been thankful for the death of my hubby is due to cancer which had giving us enough of time to sort of “settle” things after his death. We are indeed very lucky compared to those who passed in sudden. 

My hubby used to think that he will have a short life. Why he did think so I do not know. He bought enough insurance couverage for his death as he always tell me. 

Who knows. He forgot the most important stuff which is the nomination or a valid will. He wrote a simple will but it lacked of 2witness’s signature. 

Then I am in lots of work to handle about the estate and legal stuff which requires a lawyer and money. There are documentations that contradicts for lawyer to go first or I need to get prepare for lawyer. I need the letter of Probate. We have 2young children made the claim more sophisticated which I will need a co-administrator and 2guarantors. 

Then I realised that he has different stock and trading platforms. I called to each of them and it seemed like they need to sell of the shares and then return the fund to the securities account. Then the securities account had to transfer to a new Estate account for where I could then claim for. It is a must for deceased client to open this Estate Account legally. 

So my in law asked why my hubby has never closed the account before his death? What a most funny question! Who will bother such a thing when approaching death? Who will know when we will just die? Haha!

Indeed we never thought monetary issue could be so bothersome. 

So what’s next? I need to set up will too. As I am declared as widow now. For the protection of my kids, I need to entrust a trustee to guard on my assets for them in case I went off to meet my hubby earlier?! 

These are the stuff that got me read out lots. 

Actually I am more busy for other things. I packed all my hubby clothings and shoes for donation, I helped him to donate his funeral fund as per his last wish. I cleaned and reorganized my house. There are still lots to do but it is progressing. 

My hubby has left lots of personal things like his name card with photo since primary school, his Favourite photo, the letters I wrote to him, his Favourite oldies phone which I am now placing on our study table for my kids to make call to him (spiritually we are still talking to him)… truly sentimental and I feel the sadness deeply but somehow I need it still so I could feel that he is still around. 

We miss him everyday and every min, every second.. 

I did not dream of him much and I feel that he has really off to Buddha. Chinese believes that his spirit will continue to stay with us for 49days. But I really did not feel him, neither the baby has seen him. Old people think that the younger kids can see spirit.

I started to print out his photo since young to now. I wish to do a memory album for him. I looked back to his photos. I realised that his life had gotten colourful ever since he had me. I would say fantastic life for both of us. I gave him the best of me and the two wonderful kids. Deep in my heart, I think I have no regrets towards my hubby. We both have great moment together and he passed during the most beautiful moment of life, which is blessedly great one. 

I whispered during night for how I miss him. I begged for him to come to my dreams. 

The days now are more challenging than the days he had just passed. 

I started to read on Buddha study. I felt more relieved when knowing that life has 8kinds of hardship/suffering that will make people strong and steady so you will grow and learn from life. 

It is really hard to tell people or for people to accept that everyone has to go through these. It is a sure thing that will happen in life. So why be sad on it? Treat it with a steady heart. I chant and I feel more calm. 

So I start to read books about fatherless Son. I need to work out family Budget stuff but I am thankful that I do not need to struggle for financial stuff. Thanks dear.

Life goes on. Stay cheer, my friends.

My love, forever

My hubby had passed away on 29 June, the 3rd day we brought him home.

As his BP had continued to drop, doctor advised that he left days, a few more. 

He texted his buddies and told them to buy his Favourite beer. We had a great evening with great toast, my hubby smiled lots despite his drowsiness.

He then had massive bleeding again. 

I had a heavy talk with the families. I decided to bring him home. I am ready to watch him go. 

Strange that the day we discharged him, he bleeding stopped. When our ambulance made its way to the expressway that we were so familiar to, my hubby was excited. He could barely talk but I could feel his happiness.

The first two days was intense as there were only my helper and myself to look after him and we had to watch for each other. 

My hubby had little agitation and the medication we used were at minimum accordingly to our home care nurse.

I then engaged private nurse for the second night as I think I was a little bit near to collapse of tiredness.

My hubby could response to my son’s and his mum calling with lots of joys. He basically responded when he heard my voice. He had really mastered all his strength in telling me how much he loved me. I could felt him from the inside.

29 June was my son’s primary school open house, just when I was about to go out. My helper called. Prior to this, I was so glad to have call upon some volunteer Buddhist prayer friends who came for chanting to my hubby. They will normally bring all necessary stuff for free. I felt at ease with their around. They guided us for things to do like stopped to touch and talk to my hubby as he will not “go” at ease. They advise me to letting him off for relief and his way to Buddha. 

I rushed in to the room. We were all chanting while watching my hubby’s breathing pattern changed and very slowly, we watched that his breathing stopped, in just another few mins time. 

We knew the time had arrived. According to Buddhist ritual, we had to chant for 8-12hours without touching the body. Although my in law had being naive telling that his death must be verify by doctor, for the certification. I was strongly against it and pursued for 8hours chant then verified by doctor. 

So during this 8hours, we chanted continuously. I informed my hubby’s buddies and whoever that concerned. I need to handle lots of stuff. We did not cry or talk in the room but just chanting.

After 8hours, I could see that my hubby’s eyes had slowly shut and his mouth too. I should have chant for longer hours. Doc came and he pulled out his PICC line which was clean. My helper who witnessed lots deceased patients had amazed by the ritual we did for my hubby. She said normally patient will have secretion from eye, mouth and ears that they will insert some cotton. The body will emit awful smell and those pull out tubing will bleed. But none of this happened to my hubby, instead his body still felt soft. 

Deep in my heart, I had a great relief to see my hubby passing in a way like the elderly. He did not has any great pain or screaming prior to these. His passing was the one I had imagined and hoped so much for. Thanks Buddha. 

We had 3days Buddhist plus vegetarian funeral. I had sleepless nights. Not because of sadness but thinking what to do next. 

Another day we went to my hubby cremation procedure. It was sad to see the bones was blackened by the disease but there are some in pick which indicates heathy bones. Suddenly I saw something on the ashes that I did not see in previous cremation of my hubby’s grand mum. The person said it is 舍利花, Buddhist relic which only high respectable monk will possess it in their ashes. It is a great honor to having it which implies that you are a great Buddhist. My sis who has been helping us in Buddhist way, almost burst into tears when knowing it. Because we believe people who has the relic, will most likely go Buddha’s way already. 

I had my greatest relief ever.

I am confident that my hubby has passed in peace even in his afterlife. He came to this life was to honor his promises made during last life that he would bear all suffering from the families by his own and he had relieved from the promises.

I am proud of him. So much.

My kids are good and they chant lots for daddy too.

We have catching up life quite a little bit. I am clearing my house for rent. I have Friends cum ex colleagues who would be great company to me for future. 

Friends who are still fighting out there, do not be afraid for the days. As if you truly live up Everyday, you will welcome the day where you are at most relieved.

Your body, your soul and your mind. 

I am still with you guys. 


High bilirubin & Coma


My hubby n I went to a TCM doctor that other patients recommended. He told that my hubby needs to correct his Low HB issue and his blood showed abnormalities. I think he meant for the bacteria infection. 

So he prescribed blood promote herbs and we went back to hospital. The trip was taking us great effort as my hubby had weakened so much. 

Good that my hubby’s swollen leg started to subside after several days on Chinese Herb. 

However, blood test showed that his liver is deteriorating very fast. Kidney also under great stress with higher creatinine.

But most worried matter is my hubby starts to sleep a lots. He could hardly moved and bedridden. He could not talk for like 10mins with me.

Doc told that the high bilirubin will eventually causes his brain damage as bilirubin is a toxin to body. He will likely lost his consciousness and fall into coma.

Having heard of that, I felt very much relieved. If my hubby could just pass on with coma, no pain no fever no nausea no vomiting no diarrhea, it is really good for me to accept for his death. 

We both witnessed the cancer patients who suffered the great pain by their death time, was indeed a traumatic one.

This early afternoon, I went back to the TCM doc for my hubby’s liver failure issue. He prescribed herbs and I quickly gave him 2packs as his absorption has compromised with the PEG.

He showed some improvement but I will need to monitor again.

Next mon will be critical for his blood test whether his body improves or further deterioration. I will then decide to bring him back home with or without TPN.

Sepsis No joke

I have been complaining to the ward person in charge. We thought that the Nurses here are undertrained in dealing with PICC line as they blocked both my hubby’s PICC line AND the port a cap!!!

After troubleshooting they only managed to salvage one lumen of PICC which for TPN and now my hubby has to be poked in every 3days to do the Antibiotics infusion.

And what’s next?

My hubby blood culture showed positive!! Another nightmare that will bury him soon!!

The bacteria will not likely to be killed by current antibiotics which is already a strong one.

What the hell is going in this ward?!!

I am now doing the TPN termination by myself.

They just took too long to terminate the line and the fluid within the line will no longer be patent!

That’s how they blocked each and every line. 

However, my hubby’s high fever episode lasted for few days continuously but stable for now.

So all doctor came one by one again telling us to give up and go home to wait for his time.

TPN doctor is the one who wanted to stop the TPN and they think that now giving anything won’t help but toxin to his body system. They think that he won’t be able to survive from the sepsis. 

I think TPN will be kinda palliative to my hubby’s condition. He might get hypothermia sometimes but everything went normal when TPN infused. 

If it is toxin, so are the morphine & fentanyl and why Doctors still giving to patient? 

We wanted to fight for the last fight and die from it rather surrender.

So the TPN nurse visited my hubby and shocked to see my hubby is picking up again. 

His condition is truly up and down. But that’s the typical condition of patient. If we were all good, we won’t be back to hospital!

If we were to heed their advice like January, my hubby won’t be alive now.

I really hope we could go home and never come back again. 

I must pray harder!

Fever bleeding fever bleeding

So for the past few days, we have been dealing with my hubby internal bleeding and fever.

Remember he had bleeding from the PEG? It stopped as we pumped in more propolis but the other abscess tube started to drain bloody fluid.

It is not excessive or technically called bleeding which I newly learnt from Doctors. It is a slowly bleeding internally. 

I suspected that the propolis did some killing on the tumour cells that caused it die off and thus fever induced. The protruding part on his tummy which is disease Mr C that slowly growing in size is actually soften up and the size is changing to a rounder one. I wonder Mr C is really dying off, but it is actually one of the body “part”, making it dying might cause problem too. I am bit lost and telling doc they won’t really believe. They can only convinced via results. So we need to prove them wrong by mon test results. 

As I noticed if I don’t give propolis, he won’t really have fever but the high bilirubin is now 3times more from the normal range and it won’t settle due to the blockage. The blockage is not within organ but outside that pressed on the tip of the tube towards pancreas and thus caused the swelling below the liver. The time when I pumped propolis in, the bilirubin was stopped from increasing. Haha, I am actually kinda enjoy on the experimental results I gotten from hospital blood test in 3days interval.

I am pumping in more propolis.

No more treatment from doc and in fact they are giving him up with no more medication for any symptoms.

Yesterday he had fever 39.5-40 degree C over 6hours time that causing the heart rate to shoot up to 180 whereby his usual heart rate at 100. Doctor was not giving any advise and I told the nurse to give IV saline to hydrate him. If doc won’t approve I will do it myself. Then only they gave and the heart rate slowly settled. But my hubby had been quite alert and he himself don’t really feel of the heat.

Fever n bleeding are both the indicator for final days.

His BP also up and down.

We started to prepare for the worst and try to keep him comfortable.

Daytime he could be very normal and stable but problematic at night.

I am counting on Chinese herbs and supplement to make him less symptomatic.

I am thankful to Buddha for having my hubby alive at this moment. 

I wish the good health for everyone.

Stay “alert”. Cheers

Back to Jan dilemma 

Hey so we had a great celebration for my boys and they both were having lots of fun throughout the party.

Well doc did not release my hubby reason his BP was recorded Low.

Last Friday my hubby Oncology doc visited with ultimate purpose just like Jan time.

She shared how the bile duct had blocked and caused high bilirubin. This issue is likely not going to get better but slowly causing liver failure. 

However Septic is still the main problem that my hubby would be dead from. My hubby has lots of source for infection and he has getting very weak. The tumour itself carries fungal and bacteria. 

Again she mentioned that how the team supported for home TPN despite his terminal condition and they had reached this far for my hubby.

I guessed that she will probably wanted to stop the TPN just like last Feb when surgery failed.

Well I told her we would need to monitor again as we couldn’t make any decision right now.

But in my mind I started to have thought of what she mentioned about tumour carries bacteria too. Then I googled about propolis and cancer. In fact there are studies for propolis that killed cancer cells and one if the Japanese medical oncology who recommends his patients to do treatment complement with propolis 30% purity for 30ml per day to improve the prognosis and treatment efficacy. I like the last sentence of his presentation goes “We have to live with hope”. 

So for the past 3days I had been injecting propolis into my hubby stomach via PEG even in his sleeps. His fever has been progressed from 38 to 39 deg C. There was once his heart rate went up high 170 and he started to be breathless. Doc called me at 12 midnight to inform that he might get cardiac failure and thus organ failure. I asked my helper to infuse lots essential oil to my hubby and asked him to keep breathing. Luckily everything settled after an hour. 

My helper told me afterward that my hubby actually asked the doctor why there was so many people and animal around them? They were shocked and they thought it was the hallucinations. Then my hubby forgot about everything the next day just he recalled he like flew to someplace, like a scientific places. We thought that he actually went afterlife and sent back because Buddha had called. 

Death in Buddhist is very important that we must not follow the wrong path for reincarnation. I did many ritual kind of stuff to hold on my hubby for not to follow the wrong path. We chant every night for his protection. I hope that he could follow only Buddha’s calling. 

We realised that after fever, my hubby is actually feeling much better. He has less pain, lethargic and sleep better. He has off the IV fentanyl and his vital has been improving. He could even watch his Favourite football game now! 

He himself felt that injecting the propolis has improved a lot. Just he complained for the sharp taste. 

He used to drink propolis drink (2ml a day) ever since Jan for fighting the infection and it does help with the prove of WBC count and CRP unit. But now we are injecting 10ml a day and I hope we could inject more. 

So hopefully mon blood results could surprise the Doctors and so they could continue to support us!